Saturday, July 2, 2011
I have a question... How can a person be truly happy? Or how can someone be truly sad? What builds up what a person is? Is it what they do, or their personality, or their happiness vs sadness? And if true happiness comes with being in the world but not of the world how can you block your self from wordly things when its all around you? But then my mom says you dont need to get rid of all of it like tv and the internet you just need to moderate it. But how do you moderate it? Why is this life so complicated? Am i really strong enough to overcome all the challenges that i face? So many questions and so little answer.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
This is just a start to a book that I have begun to write about a girl who feels lost in this world and finds hope through the LDS gospel. Tell me what you think about it. I love to hear insight on what I can do to make it better!
I used to love when the night came around. When you can look up at the sky and see the stars shining brightly. It’s almost like they are trying to tell me something. That this world that I’m in can be very dark at times but somewhere out in the world there is hope. Light is shining as bright as it can; I just need to find it. I used to lay out on the grass every night with my dad and look at these so familiar stars. I could lay there for hours and never get tired of their beauty. Even my dad at one point would want to go to bed. I never did. In fact I used to cry, and throw a fit every time he made me leave. I was nick named night-owl, for my love of the night.
I really loved my dad. He was the one who made me fall in-love with the night sky. When he was a kid he was always fascinated with stars and took many classes in high school and college on astronomy. So, every night I would wait for him to get home from work. As soon as he was home I would jump up and down saying, “Come on, come on!” We would grab a few blankets to set out under us and then run outside. It was never too cold because we live in
where it’s usually too hot. I remember it snowing here maybe twice, but in never stuck. As we lay out on our fuzzy blankets he would pick out constellations to show me. When I was younger it was harder for me to see what he was pointing out, but as I got older it got easier. Then I became the one pointing them out! Mesquite, Nevada
But now it seems the stars mock me saying, “There is no hope. You are just fooling yourself.” I don’t want to believe them. I want to hold on to hope and light. But ever since my dad left us after a fight that he and my mom had (which fighting became very frequent those last few months) it’s never been the same. I used to sit out under the stars every night and yet this last year I hardly go out at all. He never told us where he went he just left and never came back. I waited hoping, praying -so to speak, since I’m not apart of any religion- that he would come home. But it’s been a year and honestly, I think he has forgotten we even exist. And to make things even happier, my mom has decided to rely on alcohol to numb her from the horrors of this year. She has left me and my brothers to fend for ourselves. Not even caring about how we feel.
I remember going outside a week after all hell broke loose to look at the stars hoping that they would bring me comfort. But all it did was bring me many tears and a sleepless night. That’s probably why it’s been so hard to see the beauty in the night sky anymore. All I see is a bunch of stupid old memories that I will never get back. And yet something still tugs at my heart telling me to hang on. That there is still hope no matter how little it is. “Nadia, you okay?” My little brother said breaking my thoughts as he sat down beside me. “Hey,
. Yeah I’m fine.” I said with a sigh, forcing myself to smile. No more wallowing in self pity. Ever since dad left, I have tried to keep a smile on my face for Tyler . I don’t want to make things even harder for him just because I’m being all depressed- like mom does all the time. Tyler
“You don’t look fine.” He replied, seeing past my attempt to look happy. I sighed. Why is it that everyone can see right through me? “What’s wrong, Nadia?” He said lifting his eyebrows. “I don’t know. It’s just that I want so badly to have everything back to normal. I wish I could have, even just one night to sit out here with dad again. Like nothing ever happened. But he’s never…” I trailed off. “…coming back.” He said finishing my sentence. “You never know. He might just come back. Miracles happen. I mean, you used to have so much hope in miracles and yet now your letting yourself doubt.” He looked so concerned for me I almost started crying. I took a deep breath and leaned back to lie on the grass.
lied back next to me, and we fell silent as we stared at the stars above us. They really are beautiful those stars…but I just can’t help but feel empty inside. “I’m sorry Tyler . For losing my light. I will try to be positive, ok?” I said breaking the silence. He smiled in response. Tyler
“You know if it would help, I would be willing to sit out with you more often.” He said as he sat up. “Thanks bud. You don’t have to though.” I replied. Nothing could make me feel better but I didn’t want to say no. “I want to.” . I didn’t know what to say to him because I really didn’t want to sit out here very much even with my own brother. We just stared at each other for a while. I looked at his dark curly brown hair, and his hazel colored eyes. He is going to be a real heartbreaker. And you know he is always a gentleman too. I don’t know where he gets it. No one else in our family is that way. I was really lucky to get a brother like him for the fact that he is such a good guy. Those kind of kids are hard to find. Sometimes I feel like he is the big sibling rather than me.
And just the fact that he is always trying to find a way to make everyone happy says something about him. I smiled warmly as I said, “For a twelve year old boy you really are good at making people feel better.” That lit up his face showing his cute dimples. “I try.” He said as I giggled at the sudden brightness to his eyes. “Come on, let’s get inside. We have school tomorrow.” He groaned over dramatically. I laughed, “You’re not going to die, I promise!” He raised his eyebrows and his eyes widened, “I don’t know about that.” I stood up and started walking towards the house. “Come on,
.” My smile faded as we crossed our yard and up the stairs of our porch, then into the house. As I walked upstairs to my bedroom I said a quick “goodnight” to Tyler only glancing in his way. Tyler
“I love you.” He said pausing in the doorway of his bedroom. I turned around to look at him with a sad sort of look in my eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry! “I love you too!” I walked over to give him a big hug; his head fitting right under my chin. I held him tight for only a bit and then let him shut his door and go to bed. I slowly walked to my room not really wanting to go to sleep but not wanting to do anything else either. I didn’t bother to see if mom was home tonight. I usually do trying to make sure she is at least here for us during the night. But I just don’t care right now. She isn’t much of a help anyways. I would rather be the mom around here then let her mess everything up.
I lay down on my bed without putting my pajamas on. As I stared at my ceiling I thought about dad. I miss him so much. And yet I never want him to come back. He caused enough pain in this house, and I’m not about to forgive him. I really don’t know if I ever will forgive him. Poor
lost his dad at only 11 years old. At least I was 14 and am going to leave this place in 3 years. Just have to get through high school. And Brandon my older brother is 18 and is going to college now. But Tyler … I started sobbing quietly. I can’t leave him in three years. Not with my mom. I breathed in heavily. I hate my life. I stare at the patterns in my ceiling, tracing them with my eyes. Why me? Why did my dad have to leave? Why can’t my life be the way it used to be? Why did my mom have to become an alcoholic? Why me? I cried myself to sleep as I usually do, with these questions still burning in the back of my head. Tyler
I know many people who have blogs now- about themselves, about their accomplishments, about their work- and I thought that it might be fun to make one myself. I love to write and I thought it might be fun to make this blog into kind of my own personal journal. By reading this blog you will enter into my own thoughts and feelings. I hope you enjoy what you get out of this and learn more about me.